John Shin, MD

It is often hard to understand someone else’s point of view. We can sympathize with another person’s emotions, but truly grasping what they are feeling can be very difficult. Being empathetic means showing empathy!  Empathy refers to the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. This article offers an idea and tool to improve having empathy for others.

A good way to practice empathy is to express another person’s point of view back to them, so they feel that you really know what they are describing. It is important to state back to them the emotions and the feelings they describe in words they use and they understand, and in a manner that they will know you have truly listened to what they have said. There is a five-step process which can help you be more empathetic to loved ones and those around you.

1. Ask, “What are you concerned or worried about?” That is, you need to uncover what they see as the major problem or what they are currently preoccupied by.
2. Ask, “What do you think caused or worsened your concerns?”  You need to know what they think is the source or the cause of their problems.
3. Ask, “What do you think will be helpful in solving your concerns?” You need to know what is needed to help solve the identified problem.
4. Ask, “How would you know that your concerns or worries have been taken care of?” You need to know what would demonstrate that their concerns have been addressed.
5. Ask, “Is there anything I can do to help?”  They may not need any particular action on your part, but simply want to vent to you; and other times there may be specific things you can do to help resolve their concerns.

What might this look like? You should be able to ask these five questions using words and phrases they use and in a way they feel creates understanding and addresses their needs.

As an example, after asking these questions you can summarize another person’s concern about a stressful work situation similar to the following: “You appear to feel exhausted and frustrated at work. It seems you were overwhelmed because you did not get any help at work. You said you just want to relax and if you were able to take a break this would help. I will get our kids dinner so you can take a bath and unwind. I want to make sure I got that right, or did I miss something?”

This process may help you be more empathetic with others. Sometimes it may not be enough by itself. You may need help from mental health professionals to better understand and develop effective ways to communicate and to learn what may work best for you.  However, this process could be an initial step forward for you improving empathy.