By: Britton Noel, LCMHC, LCAS

Before diving into the topic of self-compassion, I think it is important to talk about a more familiar concept: self-esteem. It is often thought that increasing one’s self-esteem is a way of improving one’s sense of well-being. Such that, if a person has positive beliefs about who they are and are confident that they can make things happen, then they would feel better and become more capable of meeting their potential. Unfortunately, self-esteem is not easily won and cannot be merely willed into existence by changing how one thinks. It must be earned over time through our own actions. Even then, self-esteem can prove to be fickle as it seems to rely on our real and perceived successes and failures. This is where I believe self-esteem falls short. Life is full of shortcomings and disappointment. We all make mistakes and experience loss. And we all, by definition, cannot live up to our ideals and so are always in a position of wanting more from ourselves—never quite satisfied. There is an alternative.

Every person has memories, beliefs, values, and ideals that impact how they view themselves. Many of us judge ourselves for not being smart enough, good looking enough, successful enough – the list goes on and on. If we are struggling with a mental health issue, we might even blame ourselves for being too anxious, too detached, too angry, or too distracted. Once, during a group therapy session, I prompted the group to reflect on their own negative thinking and core self-beliefs. People appeared reserved and uncomfortable when prompted to consider their own negative thoughts in front of others. I then placed the marker I was using on the floor in the middle of the room and asked the group to talk to the marker as though they were talking to themselves. What they shared was brutal to hear: “you will never get it right – you are a piece of shit – you are worthless – you are stupid – you are disgusting.” Talking to a dry erase marker revealed what plays on repeat in so many minds. This way of viewing and treating ourselves can cause or exacerbate low motivation, fatigue, anxiety, inattention, and more. For those that can relate, learning the skill of relating to ourselves compassionately can cause a significant shift.

Oddly enough, when we interact with the people in our lives, we tend to be more forgiving, kinder, and less judgmental than we are to ourselves. Take a moment to consider some of the thoughts you direct toward yourself throughout a day. Can you imagine talking to someone else the way you talk to yourself? It is true that we sometimes project our thoughts onto others and blame people for things we cannot stand to face within ourselves. However, most of us tend to filter these impulses to a significant degree (thank goodness for that)!  So why not afford ourselves the same kind of goodwill and decency?

Compassion is the experience of caring about someone’s pain or suffering. Compassion is not something a person does or does not have (barring the very rare individual with severe psychopathology). The truth is we humans are a mixed bag. We are capable of awe-inspiring self-sacrifice, kindness, and care while also having the capability of being selfish, dismissive, and quite cruel. This is good news because it means that we are not predetermined to be bad or good, it implies that we can cultivate certain qualities, such as self-compassion, if we want to. For example, there are monks that have spent an extraordinary amount of time doing compassion meditations that show significant changes in the brain; but you don’t have to live in a monastery to benefit from these practices. Self-compassion is a fairly simple practice that can be incorporated formally or informally throughout your day. Next, I will explain how to do that.  

Self-compassion involves becoming mindful of one’s own suffering/difficulty and offering a gesture of care. [Mindfulness is a topic/practice of its own, click this BHA article to learn more here]. Allow me to walk you through an exercise. Before beginning this practice, find a comfortable position that allows you to be still and alert for at least 5 minutes. Seated upright with eyes closed is common, but other positions work too. Take some time to settle into your posture, breathing normally, and tune into however you may feel in your body. Self-compassion goes something like this:

1. Become mindful of any difficulty you are experiencing (hard day at work, feeling high anxiety, a regret that you are having, anything) and note to yourself, “this is suffering.” This is a crucial step. We must acknowledge what is in fact true in our experience. If you are not having any difficulty when you decide to do the practice (which is common), you can imagine a time when you were suffering.
2. As you are aware of your suffering or difficulty, feel how it manifests in your body (any tension, painful emotions, unpleasant sensations, etc.), then shift into accepting that suffering is a part of every human life. You can say to yourself, “suffering is a part of every human life.” Instead of feeling isolated in our suffering and taking it personally, we can feel more connected to our fellow human beings who also go through countless struggles.
3. As you continue to be mindful of your suffering, experiencing it viscerally in your body, knowing that you are not alone, shift into caring for the suffering. This can be done by simply asserting to yourself one or more of the following phrases, “may I find some ease; I forgive myself for making mistakes; it’s okay; I’ve got this.” It is important that you find language that connects you to a sense of compassion for your situation. I invite you to experiment and then write down words or phrases that work for each step of the process.  
4. Couple step three with a soothing/supportive gesture, for some this a hand over the heart. I like to pat my thigh. Others may hold their own hand. By offering a physical gesture, this engages our bodies beyond a mere cognitive level. This may feel uneasy or unusual in the beginning. That’s okay, this is a new way of relating to/being with yourself.
5. Repeat these steps for at least 5 minutes. No rush of course, keep it at a pace that keeps you connected with the practice. Remember that it is more about the spirit of practice and finding language that helps you feel these qualities, rather than trying to do it the “right way.” And no matter what feelings or thoughts arise during the practice period, let those come and go, remaining mindful of your experience and repeating the practice for the time you committed to.

I hope that gives you a sense of what self-compassion is all about. However, I have found that a lot of people become aversive towards this practice when I offer it. It makes them feel awkward or it seems too at odds with their personality. Of course it does! People that spend a lifetime berating themselves are suddenly invited to give themselves a break – that should feel different. Learning something new is hard. Self-compassion is no different. With continual effort, this practice can become second nature and more integrated with one’s personality. If you experience depression, shame, guilt, low motivation, or other mental health symptoms, this practice can provide significant benefit, so keep trying even if it is tough at first. Next, let’s explore some common misconceptions about self-compassion. 

Self-compassion is not self-pity. Self-pity or “woe is me,” is when someone identifies with their suffering and they feel badly for themselves. With self-compassion, we don’t identify as our suffering. In fact, we become mindful of the suffering, which means we see suffering as it arises in the body and mind without taking it personally. With self-compassion, we do not wallow in the suffering; instead, we see that it is a part of every human life and are motivated to care for the suffering.

Self-compassion will not make you soft or weak. When we learn to be with our own suffering and painful experiences, we develop the capacity to be with someone else that is suffering, which can make us a more supportive person who can be relied upon. Many people have developed an aversion to suffering. When they see their sister cry, they say, “don’t cry” because they do not want to experience the emotions that arise in them. When my partner comes home and shares about a difficulty at work, I might rush into problem-solving mode to avoid making contact with her suffering (emotionally distancing myself). But, if I have developed the capacity to be with my own suffering in a caring, non-judgmental way, then I can sit with my partner as she shares about her day – no need to fix anything right away, just being emotionally connected with her.

Finally, I hope you will consider that self-compassion is a skill that can foster deep healing. It is powerful because it allows us to sit and experience the emotions that many of us have spent a lifetime avoiding perhaps through substance use, putting up walls in our relationships, or other distractions/defenses. Repressed emotions are a significant source of many people’s chronic mental health issues. Developing the capacity to let difficult emotions move through you in a present and caring manner is healing and can often lead to feeling much more available, open, energized, and connected as you move throughout your days.

If you find self-compassion intriguing, speak to your therapist about incorporating this in your work together. You can also learn more from one of the world’s leading researchers of self-compassion, Kristin Neff. She has a wealth of self-compassion resources (both audio and written form) that I encourage you to explore at selfcompassion.org.